I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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