Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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