I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
