We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
