I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
