why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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