you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
