The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just want nice things and good sex
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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