Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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