He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
