I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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