I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
