as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
