Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just want to make out with him forever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
