One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
