Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
