This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
