I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
