i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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