you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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