hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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