apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
