Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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