Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
