she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
