i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
