A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i believe in u and ur pee
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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