My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
