I hate your face
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
