i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
