Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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