im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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