Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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