If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
