The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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