At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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