i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
