Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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