His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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