just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
