So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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