I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
