tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
