I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This toilet bowl is my home.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
