so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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