he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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