She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
