Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
