I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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