it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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